Cape Town, South Africa
Just a very quick one cos I am working on another email for ya. It’s just that you’ve had a lotta email from guys who have really been totally great about the whole Mark thing, and I just want you to put this up on your news or feedback thingy to let them know that I really appreciate it. I have also had not a few, but hundreds of emails from guys out there telling me that they’re thinking of me, and I think that is so fucking awesome. Totally outasight.
Anyway, the main reason I wantya to put this up [on MrB] is just to say that I’m sorry for not answering email. With work and Mark leaving and fixing up dings on Wingnut’s board it’s been totally hectic. I’m hoping to get some time to work on the [Cody] news page soon, with some nice pics for everyone to wank over, or whatever they do with it.
Mark has contacted me from Johannesburg and that’ll be in my email to you. Am I getting used to not seeing him? Hell no, but there’s nothing I can do about that right now.
I’ve gotta jet. I didn’t get to the coffee shop this morning cos I wanted to get this [mail] off [to you]. I’m feeling guilty as hell about all the emails and the news page. Did manage to get a gawk at the new Egor sets on WorldBoys [though]. AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!
Thanks, G, for totally everything you’ve done. You’re pretty stylish for a fossil. :)
Tuesday: Last night after work I took my stick out[side] and started to fix up the nose. I bought a ‘diamond tip’ for my board and put that on after making the repairs. It stops the nose from getting damaged with the slightest ding. Wingnut came in after surfing, and asked if I would fix a ding on his board. It wasn’t that big but he was right to get it fixed right away. He had some silver tape on it, which was good thinking.
“Was your dad mad at me yesterday? He gave me a real hairy eyeball.”
“He didn’t see what started it [the fight at the beach]. He’s OK.”
“I wish my dad surfed. I think it’s really cool.”
Just then, the phone rang and it was Mark. I really let him have it for not phoning me before. So what does he do? He fucking laughs at me.
“Don’t laugh. I fucking miss you big time. Prick.”
“Big prick. Don’t forget that.”
“And I’ve got a big mouth, right?”
“You’re fucking disgusting. Do you know that?”
“Yeah, I know. So tell me everything.”
“We’re in the middle of nowhere over here, in a place called [deleted]. Fucking miles out of the city.”
“Cool. So you can behave.”
“I’m fucking bored shitless and I need to hurry up and get my driver’s [license]. This place I’m staying in is pretty damn neat. I’ve got this huge fucking room with a shower and walk-in cupboard [robe]. It’s like something out of a movie. This dude is gonna buy me a TV for my room. It’s already got a small hi fi.”
“He’s after your body.”
“OK. So here’s the buzz, and you won’t say a fucking word to anyone or I’ll come over there and break your legs.”
“I was right. He’s after your bod. Tell him it’s mine.”
“Shut the fuck up for a minute. The second day I was here, he was showing me around, and he says right to me that I’ve got quite a developed body. I thought, ‘well, fuck this. I need to ask him right out if he’s gay.’ So he says no, he’s not, but he’s always been interested in being with a guy and he’s sure he’s bi. I told him I don’t have a prob with it. But he keeps on and on about being really interested in spending a night with a guy. He’s got a fucking hot chick, though. She’s about 20 and fuck, Cody, she looks like a model, so I don’t know what his case is.”
“I fucking told you, didn’t I? Come the fuck home where you’re safe.”
“Listen up. He tells me how fucking hot I am, and would I mind if he could like touch my shoulders and stomach. Anyway, he’s desperate so I told him if he touches my stomach I’m gonna fix his fucking jaw for him.”
“Good. Now tell me he’s ugly and fucking fat and gross.”
“Nope. He’s not any of that. But he’s like 40 or something. Pretty good bod for his age. Spends ages in the gym. And that’s another thing. He says he’ll get me a gym membership. He reminds me a bit of your dad – like a recycled teenager.”
“Come the fuck home.”
“Chill out. Do you really think I’m going to let this dude get into my pants? Anyway, he’s pretty cool, Code. I don’t think he’s gonna try anything, and he’s pretty nice to me – brings me coffee in the morning. YOU NEVER DID THAT. Hehehehe.”
“Coffee in the morning?”
“Yeah, and he sits on the bed and chats. So he gawks. So fucking what? Before I met you that would’ve freaked me out. If you were here you would’ve gotten a kick out of watching him get a fucking erection when he stares at you.”
“Hey, he tries to hide it, but it’s nature, my bro.”
“Just watch out. He might fucking drug you or something.”
“Nah, he wouldn’t. Hey, you must see this fucking ship he’s building here. I don’t know how they’re going to get this thing to the sea. It’s enormous. It’s just a shell at the moment, so there’s a stack of work to be done.”
“Ah, fuck. So you’re gonna be away forever.”
“Nope. When I need some sex I’ll fly down there to you. It’s hot as hell here, and dry. Last night, we had this electrical storm – awesome.”
“Cool. I can smell the sea from here.”
“Yeah. It’s your blood you’re smelling.”
“Can I phone you there? What’s the number?”
“He’s buying me a cell phone to use while I’m working here. He reckons I could just keep it.”
“He’s fucking buying you, Mark.”
“Fuck that. I think he knows that’s not gonna happen. Anyway, as soon as I’ve got the cell, I’ll give you the number.”
“Fucked Carol on Friday night. Said it’s the best she’s ever had.”
“Yeah, right. With that tiny white thing? She use tweezers to get it?”
“Hehehehe. Fuck, I really miss you. Can’t you get down for the school’s old boys’ swim comp?”
We chatted for ages. I really tried to just keep him on the phone to listen to him.
“I’ve got to jet, Cody. I don’t want to take advantage of this. I’ll try and phone again in the week. And don’t worry. I’m not stupid or naïve. I know where this dude’s coming from, and he really is cool.”
I’m battling with Mark being away but it’s chin up, I guess. I never realized how hard this was going to be. I’m being pretty good, though. Had one real downer last night. Happens as soon as I imagine never seeing him again. As Mark always said, ‘that’s life. Handle it.’ I guess the other option is for it to handle you.
Wednesday: Wind’s picking up. [Must be something missing here. Probably something to do with Cody gawking at some hotties at the beach. MrB]
Well, if they’re cute like Wingnut then… shuddup, G. He came around [here] last night to collect his stick, and I gave him some fine glass paper to sand down the repair. He was pretty chuffed. He has totally looked after that board.
Friday: You won’t believe how damn hot it is here. 33 degrees C. Tomorrow it’s gonna be 39 according to the experts. Hot and sweaty sex. :) I’m trying to be pretty good. Haven’t heard from Mark since the other night but I’m hoping he’s gonna call sometime over the weekend.
Nothing major planned yet. I can’t wait to get home, though, so I can get into the damn pool – if the sun hasn’t evaporated all the water away. I’m not sure if it’s next Saturday or the Saturday after – it’s the old boys’ swim gala. That is gonna be a hoot, and I’m looking forward to it. The aircon in the shop is working overtime so it’s OK. But as soon as you step outside the heat smashes you into the road like an evaporating cum bubble.
Thursday: Weather in Cape Town has been crazy. Hot as hell today. Yesterday, and the day before, were cooler but the weekend was totally over the top with temps going into the high 30s and low 40s. Real rock lizard weather. On Sunday, I helped Wingnut with some work he had around the neighborhood. There’s this old duck that keeps harassing him, and he’s always working in her garden and doing odd jobs for her. I told him that she’s got the hots for him and he gets so pissed off about it.
“Then put your shirt back on.”
“It’s too fucking hot.”
“You’re wetting her panties, boyo.”
“She’s after you. She likes older guys.”
“Oh, yeah. That’s why she keeps phoning you to work at her place.”
I mean… c’mon, G… he’s a minature fucking hunk with ripples in all the right places, and he’s there wearing his cargo shorts with his damn boxers showing, and his calf muscles and every other muscle popping, and he wonders why all the old biddies in the ‘hood are after him. I’m sure they watch him through the curtain cracks while he’s working with his sweat making his muscles shine even more.
I’ve been burying myself in work at the moment. Managed to get the [Cody] news page done. Not what I would’ve liked. Put up more pics than anything else. I’m trying not to think of Mark too much. He phoned me the other night again, sounding too fucking relaxed and happy. This guy’s got a 250cc off-road bike that he’s given to Mark to use. Mark says this guy’s girlfriend’s pissed at the amount of time he spends hanging around Mark. He even left his girlfriend to take Mark to a club on Saturday night, and then apparently he got all miserable when Mark got hung up with some chick. Mark says he hates making the guy unhappy cos of everything he’s doing [for him], and every single morning he brings Mark coffee in bed, and then sits on the bed and massages Mark’s back. Mark always makes sure that the dude’s not around when he gets dressed. The guy asked him one evening why Mark was always shy to be naked in front of him, and not to worry cos he won’t touch him or anything.
“He’s cool, but there’s no way I’m going to get naked in front of him. The other morning, he waltzed in as I was putting my boxers on and caught a gander at my ass.”
He says that he’s gonna meet up with the girl he met again. Going to the movies and clubbing this weekend or some fucking thing. So I go quiet [on the phone] and he wants to know what’s wrong, and I just say nothing and that I miss him. He says he misses me as well.
“Hey, maybe you can get up to Joburg for a weekend or something. How about that?”
“Yeah, and then get fucking depressed cos I’ve got to leave you behind again.”
“Hey, it’s just a suggestion. Anyway, I guess it’s going to be too expensive.”
“You getting hung up with a girl up there?”
“Not really. Just met her. What’s up there [in Cape Town]. Tell me some news.”
We chatted about work and the weather and everyone. When I think about it now, Mark is sounding pretty amped about the way things are turning out. I thought that guy might freak him out. Maybe I was hoping he would, but he hasn’t. And you’re right [G]. Maybe I’m just being paranoid cos of what happened to me [with the rape]. And I know that Mark is totally capable of handling himself.
The week has been a drag. Totally busy, and I’ve only made it to the internet café today, Friday. I’m dreading opening my mail cos there’s gonna be a stack and I don’t know what to do about it. I get the total guilts about not being able to answer everyone nowadays. And it’s not like I can even take them all offline and do them in sessions.
I had a really good day at work yesterday. Actually, it was in the surf – two guys from the UK. Took them out to Long Beach in the afternoon and then toured around the different spots, and they bought me supper cos we got back home quite late. So I do have my good days. [You’re easily pleased, Code. Your fans would have gladly bought you a fucking banquet. MrB]
I’m supposed to be meeting up with Steph and Carol tonight. They want to go out and do something. I haven’t even phoned Steve in the last few days cos I just feel exhausted all the time. Steph tells me that Steve is moving in on Carol, and it looks like they might have a thing going. Well, it will work as long as Carol isn’t looking for the same commitment she had from Mark. If it wasn’t for Wingnut grabbing me to go cycling with him every other day I think I’d go insane – or something like that.
I hope that everything is going OK with you. I’ll try and get into the MrB site this weekend and check out the updates. I’m really totally out of date with everything.
Hey, I know you’re suffering – big time. I wish I had a magic cure, but I don’t. Broken hearts take a while to mend, as you already know. I read your piece about Mark on your latest news page, and I could hear you crying out even though your voice would never be heard. Well, not right now.
In 1983, I decided to demolish the old kitchen in my house, and build a whole new rear section. It was supposed to take five weeks. I took my dog to a boarding kennel, and I moved into a friend’s flat. I phoned the kennel every day to see how Kelly was. “She’s fine. Don’t worry.” Five weeks turned into nine weeks. The reason I didn’t visit Kelly was cos I didn’t want to hurt her again by leaving – just like you don’t wanna go to Joburg. At the end of the nine weeks my house was ready, and I drove to the kennel to pick up Kelly. She was as thin as hell, and took a while to recognize me. Meantime, a little girl had befriended her.
As soon as Kelly was in my car, she headed straight for her usual spot on the back shelf in front of the rear window. When she arrived home, she smelled all the familiar smells. Within a week she was back to normal weight. But she would never leave my side after that. She was paranoid that I would leave her again. But I never did. We were together, inseparable, until the end.
But while we were together, Kelly had her freedom. I trusted her. She would trot off somewhere to sniff around and do her thing. I knew she’d always come back. I had faith in her love for me.
I know that the situation with Mark is not the same, but there are parallels. And I wonder if you’re trying to make him feel guilty about “sniffing around”. Mate, you will never own anybody by putting a leash on them. And even if you were successful, what would you own?
Your situation at the mo is a pretty delicate balancing act. On the one hand, you wanna let Mark know that you miss him like hell. But on the other hand, you’ve gotta be his friend. This might be a cruel thing to say, but if he gets the idea that everytime he phones you he’s gonna hear you moaning and groaning, he’s gonna stop phoning. Code, you’ve gotta get your act together no matter how much it hurts. It wasn’t all that long ago that Mark thanked you for being his friend, and for not putting pressure on him. Are you with me?
>I mean, c’mon, G, he’s a miniature hunk with ripples in all the right places.
Hehehe. Yeah, I love Wingnut. How could anybody not?
>I’m dreading opening my mail cos there’s gonna be a stack and I don’t know what to do about it.
I’ll put a notice on my site to say that it’s impossible for you. I’m sure peeps will understand. Even I’m behind with mail, and I don’t get nearly as much as you do. And to make it worse, Kostik has a chat room now, and I’m becoming addicted to the damn thing in the mornings … probably about 10pm to midnight your time.
>Steph tells me that Steve is moving in on Carol and looks like they might have a thing going.
You wouldn’t have believed that possible just a month ago. So what does that tell you?
Anyway, mate, you will get through all this. You will survive. You have before, and you will again. And again, and again. Meantime, as much as you miss Mark, keep your eyes peeled for opportunities, whatever they may be. Make yourself available. You owe it to yourself to be happy. And lemme tellya, ultimately, there’s only one person you can truly depend on … yourself.
I wish I could say more, but even fossils have their limitations. I’m pretty confident that you’ll be OK, though, cos you spend so much time outdoors, meeting people and getting new opportunities. Doors don’t open by themselves. People open them. :)
Cody’s FAN-BFT [as always]
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Codeman Part 118