At fucking last! I get a chance to get a word in edgewise 'cause big-mouth Daniel's not here. Woohoo! Well, he is, but this is my story told from my point of view, and not his.
"Hey, what the fuck's going on here?"
"Mr B said I could tell my own version of the story, so butt out."
"Your version? Who gives a fuck about your version?"
"Plenty of peeps. Don't you think they're curious to know what I think about you?"
"Hey, you ruin my reputation, dude, and you're dead meat."
"Go play in the traffic, Daniel. I'm busy."
Anyway, when I first met Daniel I thought he was totally wicked. He had those kinda masculine qualities that made me sigh like some love-smitten schoolgirl. Yeah... kinda embarrassing, I know. But I couldn't help it. He'd strut around the fucking place like some peacock in heat. But what really struck me about that egotistical, muscle-bound, teen was his vulnerability. Underneath all that show was a pretty sensitive guy. It wasn't a quality he wanted people to see -- especially me, 'cause I was crazy in love with him -- so I guess Daniel's way of concealing his feminine side...
"Hey! What's this 'feminine side' shit?"
"We've all got a feminine side."
"And where'd you learn a word like 'vunerable'?"
"Vulnerable... it's got two l's."
"Whatever. Anyway, I don't like what you're writing about me. It sucks."
"Too bad. Now butt out and stop interrupting."
"Oh? Look around, Paul. Notice anything? Like whose room this is? Huh? And whose comp?"
"You've been telling the story for like a thousand fucking years, Daniel. Just piss off and lemme do my thing."
"You wanna blow me first?"
You know something? I think Daniel loves me, too. Sure, he doesn't knock on my door and give me a bunch of roses. He's not the type. There's not a romantic bone in his body. He's all huff and puff. But that's what I love about him. And have you noticed the way he gawks at me? Hey, I'm pretty cool in the ol' bod department too, y'know. Maybe not as buff as he is, but there's not a square inch of me that his tongue hasn't explored a hundred times. And vice versa.
There was a time when Daniel was homophobic. That's when he gave the jackoff club at school a hard time, and pissed all over Freddie. It wasn't the pissing that upset me, it was the way Daniel went outa his way to humiliate Freddie in front of his buds. And why? 'Cause the dickhead had the guilts big time about his own feelings. I can call him dickhead now 'cause he's just left the room. Hey, I can call him anything I want! Woohoo! Daniel's a dickhead, Daniel's a dickhead, Daniel's a dickhead!
Anyway, Freddie and I sorted Daniel out after I'd beaten the crap outa him. And that was weird. Daniel's bigger and stronger than I am, but I got lucky. Plus the fact that I was mad as hell at him for what he'd done to Freddie. Anyway, after Freddie and I fucked Daniel's face, and pissed all over him, we were even. Did I tell you that Kyle wrote about that? Yep. He was worried that Daniel was turning into a wuss. Daniel was Kyle's hero, and still is. Kinda weird, huh? They're both each other's heroes. How do you figure that? How can two guys be each other's hero?
Anyway -- and I've gotta stop starting each sentence with 'anyway' -- Daniel got over his homophobia, and accepted who he was. So, who was he? Well, a lotta homophobes go from one extreme to the other. Y'know... one minute they're bashing the shit outa some gay dude, and the next they're doing impersonations of Rudolph Nureyev, and their wrists get a helluva lot more exercise. But that didn't happen to Daniel. And he didn't wanna label himself. So I guess you could say that Daniel's pretty much the same dude he always was 'cept he's not afraid of himself any more. And that's what I figure homophobes are... dudes who are afraid of themselves.
Anyway -- jeez, there I go again -- about heroes. Yep, Daniel is my hero. That's kinda weird, too, 'cause Clark Kent doesn't piss on Lois. Well, not that I know of. I wonder if Batman pisses on Robin? Anyway, I guess you could say that I'm infatuated with Daniel's dick. Anything that comes outa that wicked thing is cool with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. I've been pissed on by everybody 'cept the Pope. And that's only 'cause I've never been to Rome.
I know that piss isn't everybody's cup of tea. Hmmm. I should probably rephrase that, but fuck it. I'm not supposed to be some kinda literary genius. Anyway [and fuck that, too], everything about Daniel is cool. Apart from anything else, he's got the most awesome bod. It's forever twitching, or rippling, or bulging, or whatever. It's a symphony of sexual movements. Even his little finger turns me on. Lindy once described Daniel as "sex on two legs". And he is. The guy's only gotta walk into the fucking room and I've got a boner.
"You got one now?"
"I'm not finished yet. And what the fuck are you doing back here?"
"Go check the pool or something."
"It's clean already. Hey, I'll go see Dick. Later, OK?"
Am I jealous of Dick? Or Freddie, or Jo, or Steve, or Benny, or Kyle, or Greg, or half a million other guys? Sure, I am. Who wouldn't be? Seems like the whole damn world is crazy about Daniel. So what do I do? Tell Daniel to fuck off 'cause I can't own him? Nah. That'd be dumb. And guess what? If he was suddenly all over me like a rash, and I was the center of his universe, he wouldn't be Daniel any more. So I'd probably fall outa love with him. Weird, huh?
Anyway, about the piss. Y'know something crazy? He gets off on it. Forget about me for a sec, and consider Dick. Dick's an Adonis. I mean, we're talking perfection here. Six feet of the most awesome bod you're ever likely to see. Blonde, smooth, defined, everything in perfect proportion. And he's a great guy as well. And what do you think Daniel's gonna do when he gets there? Yep. He's gonna piss on Dick. He's gonna wave that killer cock of his around and totally drench that blonde Adonis.
Now Dick's not the kinda guy to take any shit. Should I also rephrase that? I mean, yesterday's pizza's not something you wanna get too excited about. Ah, forget it. Anyway, when Daniel pisses on Dick, or on me for that matter, it's not like Daniel's on some ego trip. What the fuck am I saying? Of course he's on an ego trip. He's always on a fucking ego trip. But it's not like he's trying to put Dick or me down. No way. And it's not like Dick or I wanna be humiliated. I'm not sure quite how to explain it, but I guess it's like any kinda sex... y'know... you have a choice... you can either do things 'cause you care for somebody, or you can do things 'cause you've got something to prove... y'know, like a rapist wants to dominate his victim, and gets off on being a total, fucking asshole. Daniel's not like that. No way. He knows his piss is god-piss, but he wouldn't piss on anyone if they didn't want him to. He found that out when Kyle told him to go to hell. I still crack up when I think about that.
So why am I madly in love with Daniel? Hey, let me count the ways. He's fucking outrageous, that's why. Jacking off at the pedestrian crossing. Hello? Remember the time Kyle, Steve, Daniel, and I were all there in the middle of the night, fucking and sucking ourselves stupid? Blame Daniel! The dude's got no fucking shame.
But that's not the only reason I love Daniel. Sure, he's exciting to be with 'cause he's always doing totally rad stuff, but he has a softer side, a gentler side. When he smiles it's like I'm an ice-cream cone in the sun. His beautiful, brown eyes become hypnotic. You can't resist him. He owns you.
On the other hand, I have the same effect upon him. I've lost count of the number of times he's gone all fucking gooey 'cause of my smile. But that's cool. It means we're equal. Well, kinda equal. I mean, if we were completely equal, it'd be boring. Know what I mean? One dude's gotta have something the other dude admires, something the other dude doesn't have. So it's like we're not equal, but our respect for each other is equal. That make sense?
What's my fav part of his bod? All of it. I mean like you can have a bunch of oranges on a table, and what have you got? A bunch of lamo oranges. But then some dude comes along and starts juggling them, and, hey, you've got art. You've got oranges spinning around like they're magic. So I guess I've gotta say that Daniel's the juggler. He's got a way of presenting his oranges, as well as his awesome bod, that turns him into some kinda magic.
"What's all this fucking bullshit?"
"What are you doing back here?"
"Dick had to go on his pizza run."
"You piss on him?"
"Yeah... a quickie. So what's all this crap you're writing?"
"Who says it's crap?"
"It's a fucking metaphore, dickhead. And stop looking over my shoulder. How the fuck am I supposed to be creative with you standing there like the Leaning Tower of fucking Pisa?"
"Hmmm... awesome bod. You really think so?"
"OK, OK... I'll go for a swim. By the way, Dick didn't blow me. Didn't have time."
Yeah, and that's another thing. Daniel has a way of looking at you like he can read your mind... and a grin that says he knows you love him. Pisses me off, sometimes. It's like I can't keep a fucking secret. Daniel, sitting in some tent painted with a bunch of crescent moons, and staring into his crystal ball like he knows when my next fart's gonna be.
You wanna know something weird? I figured out why Daniel pisses me off so much. He fucking enjoys it! It's like some power thingy with him. And what pisses me off even more, is that he knows I'm not gonna walk out just 'cause I'm mad at him. Well, I might walk out for a little while, but he knows I'll be back. He knows I'd never walk away. He knows I'm addicted. He knows I love him. But he plays games. He loves to tease. He was born to tease.
But that's OK, too. He keeps me guessing. Or, as Kyle would say, I'm never hundreds. And that kinda adds to the excitement. Daniel never ceases to be a challenge. He's always got me on the hop. Would I change him? Nah.
You wanna know what my dad once told me? He said that a woman falls in love with a man 'cause of who he is. Then she marries him, and spends the rest of her life trying to change him. He says it's like a test kinda thingy. She wants to be continually reassured that he's still the immovable pillar of strength that she fell in love with in the first place. Women are weird.
So do I test Daniel? I guess I do, sometimes. Y'know, it's a bit like counting your money over and over just to make sure it's all still there. You get kinda para that something's gonna go wrong.
"You're dripping water all over the damn place."
"It's my room, man. Anyway, you wanna blow me now?"
"Not in the mood."
"Hello? Since when you are not in the mood?"
"What the fuck have you been writing?"
"I'm analyzing stuff."
"You and me."
"Hey, Paul. What is all this bullshit? You've never been able to resist my dick."
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Diary Paul's Story Part 2