Sure.

So what is it?

What?

Your age?

The last guy who asked me that question wanted me to help him build a fucking Ark. Next question.

Another thing that's always intrigued me about older folks is... well, do you still wank?

You wanna count the hairs on the palm of my hand?

Do you shave your hand?

Twice a day.

Why are you facing in the opposite direction?

I like the view from this side. It's safer.

Are you afraid of me?

Not while I can't see you.

What about sex?

I've heard about it.

Do you still get it?

Who are you and what the hell are you doing here?

I'm the Captain and I'm interviewing you.

Oh, sorry. I have a short-term memory problem. What was the question again?

Do you still have sex?

I forget. But if I am and can't remember it, I'm gonna be fucking pissed off, big time.

What led you to writing stories?

I bought a computer and it had one of those keyboard thingies with lots of keys on it. I pressed 'A' and whammo! An 'A' appeared on the screen. Then I pressed 'B'! Whoa! "Hey," I thought, "this is too fucking cool!" It kinda progressed from there.

You've said publicly that I'm your inspiration.

For what? Wanking?

Story telling.

I guess you are. You read the damn things and then drive me nuts with all your compliments. I feel obligated. If it weren't for you, I'd probably be doing something interesting like crocheting or bee-keeping.

You've also said that you base your character, Daniel, on me.

Is that a question?

Yes.

Yeah, I do. How the fuck could I have invented somebody as off-the-wall as you? You're an impossible scallywag.

But you like me, correct?

I'm working on it.

What is it that you like about me?

Do I really have to answer that?

You do.

Well, dammit, I guess it's your spirit. You're adventurous, you're feisty, you take on challenges, you make friends easily, you're loyal ... am I getting paid for this?

No.

Scratch my last answer.

It's interesting that you've included a food page on your site.

Well, at my age... no, scratch that, too... Yeah, I enjoy food. I lived with a woman once who had a bad leg. The doctor said it would have to be amputated. "What a waste!" I said. So we had it for dinner. It was the garlic and thyme that made all the difference, I reckon. Delicious.

What's your favorite dish?

Well, when my dog died, I used hers for a while but it was more like a soup bowl. I use a regular plate now.

Are you gay?

What's today?

Saturday.

Never on Saturdays.

What about other days?

Ask my fist. But I don't think it knows the difference.

Do you like gays?

Yeah, if they bring their own drinks.

What is it about the male body that appeals to you?

Next question.

Describe your favorite kind of people.

I can't see you 'cause I'm facing the wrong way.

Who do you most admire?

Ditto.

Is there anybody you don't like?

Lionel.

Who's Lionel?

Dunno. But if I meet him I'll punch his fucking lights out.

Are you religious?

Yeah, I believe in gods.

Who?

Bronzed gods on surfboards.

What sort of people do you have as friends?

Generally, people who don't know how to open my fridge door.

Would you describe yourself as a cynic?

What's today?

Never mind. But I must ask you this. You have a great affinity with youth. Why do you think that is?

I never grew up.

It's more than that, B.

Yeah, it is. Well, kids are wild and free. Life is an adventure, a challenge, a toy. Everything they do is new and exciting. They're outrageous, they break rules, they experiment, they laugh. I love their spirit.

Do you wish you were a kid again?

No. If I were, I wouldn't appreciate them as much as I do. A painting can't appreciate itself. Only the viewer can.

Do you think you're wise?

Wise enough to know that I'm not. Wisdom can also come from the mouths of babes. A wise person is a person who acts like a sponge no matter what his age.

One last question. Can you describe love?

No. Nobody can. But I know when I'm in it.

How do you know?

When the person I love is more important to me than my own self.

Thanks for the interview, B.

Who are you and what the hell are you doing here?