I was beginning to rely on Gary's email. It was like throwing a boomerang, and it was cool to know that somebody was out there who cared about the crap I was going through. But more importantly, Gary was invisible. I could write pretty much what I liked - the kinda stuff I couldn't tell anyone else - and not have to face the old dude.
South Africa
Part 13
I wrote him a quick note to say that I'd received his reply, and thanked him for it. I had an appointment with a friend who would buy my stash. Yeah, right. He shortchanged me, and left me 400 rand short of what I owed the syndicate. But I had no choice. I had to accept the offer. Later, I went surfing at Long Beach with my nerdy computer bud, and it was great to hit the water again. Cleared the cobwebs a bit. Then it was three days before I wrote Gary again.
"It's 5am and I've just gotten home. I've just reread your email and I can easily see why Cody fell in love with you. Not sure whether you knew that but Cody was fucking mad about you. I think he would've liked to tell the world around him about you, but you know why he couldn't do that, and why I guess I'm in the same position as he was (69? hahahahah)."
"His web page is going to take a while [to rebuild] because there's a lot of work to sort it out. The big problem is that Tripod trashed Codyspad soon after he was killed. I think I've got all the pages except all his news pages. Some of the things I'm looking around for are all the graphics that he did because I want to put a page up with all his graphics - well, at least those that will pass Tripod's censorship. He did one called "Lovers" and dedicated that to me and him. I know I've got it somewhere. I just need to look harder. I've also looked for the poem he wrote "Continuum" but I can't find it on your site."
"About sending stuff to you [something of Cody's as a small gift]. Just be patient. I haven't been to see his folks and I want to, but I'm shaking like a real fucking druggie. I've never been this bad on the downers before. The other thing I need to find is a disk that Cody was writing a story on. He wanted me to help him with it and if I can find the fucking thing I'll finish it for him. It was another one of him and TJ going to Singapore, and it had to do with swimmers taking drugs. I just can't go and scratch around in his stuff right now. That will be too much for me to handle. I'm in and out of fucking depressions all the time since leaving Joburg."
"The xchange last night [with the guy who's buying my stash] didn't go like I wanted. He shorted me. I know you're not going to like this but he arranged for me to make up the diff by doing two escort jobs. They were both women. He said I could've made triple that if I was prepared to go with the guys on business, but that would've been uncool, and he would've spread the fucking word like wildfire."
"It wasn't that bad and could've been worse. One was in her forties and a fucking dog, and I was outta there like a fucking shot when it was over hahahaha! The other one wants to see me again. Yeah, fucking right! She was OK tho and gave me some extra [money] I didnt tell him [the dealer] about. Anyway I've got the cash now and I'm going to hand it over on Monday night. They'll tell me where. Even after they've gotten their money, I'll be in for a rough ride but at least I hope it will be over then."
SUNDAY 2AM.
"Just cleaned out half a bottle of whisky from my dad's bar. He's gonna be pissed but he probably won't even notice."
"I'm wearing the bead necklace that Code made me for Christmas. I'm wearing it for the first time today. The beads fit snug around my neck. Maybe he wanted to choke me with them hahahaha. I'm a fucking wreck, Gary. I've been crying the whole fucking time. I think it's got something to do with the downers but I'm not sure. It's never been this bad before."
"How's this mail I've just read (again). I got it after my 17th birthday. Cody had bought some chocolate body paint and gave me a treat. During the afternoon he saw the stash at the back of my closet but didn't say anything. The next day I got this from him."
______________________________________________
hiya steve
happy birthday. i hope you liked the chocolate treat. i wish we could be like that every day. cya in the surf bud. loveya stax. loveya bod too. actually your boners not too bad either. did i tellya that youve got a wicked smile. guess i never mentioned your pecs yet huh. oh and thought id just mention that you need to see a doc about all those bumps on your stomach. hehehehehe. i wish you knew how much i loved ya so you can stop the shit youre doin. you know how i feel lover. oh - did i tellya that youve got a cute crack hehehe especially with my boner inside it. cum to think of it my crack musta looked cute with your monster dick inside as well.
you know what gets to me. when i want to have a serious talk with you you put your dick in my mouth and you know how i feel about talking with my mouth full.
oh i must tellya that i think your crack looks fuckin gross with chocolate around it hehehehehehe. but i like the sound of your breathin while im cleanin it ;)
back to bein serious. dead serious now. ok so stop fuckin laughin im bein serious here. even tho you dont believe me i needta tellya how much i loveya. i hate what youre doin to yourself and i hate bein with you when youre all fuckin drugged up. you get aggro and fullashit and i cant handle that. id much rather handle somethin else:) you keep sayin you try but its hard so you need to try harder. you keep askin why im so anti after havin shared your shit. i also wish i could tellya but maybe you have to fall down that hole yourself.
talkin about hole. didya know that youve got a few blonde hairs between your ass and your balls. i wanted to pull one out with my teeth and watch your eyes water hehehehehehehe oh my fuck i wish id done that now.
dont get aggro about what ive said. please. i know you. ive never neededta writeya mail before but youve changed i needed to tellya that. id tellya to your face but it would just end up with us fightin again. or i could just stand back and watch what happens but you know i cant do that either cos i loveya too fuckin much. you were there when i needed a friend so badly.
did i tellya that i love it when we deep kiss each other. i love it when i feel your bod against mine and our boners play fight. fuckin hell steve are you listenin to me mmmmnnnppphhhhh!
loveya bud more than you realise
your lover
Cody
_______________________________________
MONDAY
Hi Gary
The tears aren't over yet. Thought you'd like to know about this so I'm sending this mail today rather than diary everything because I don't know when I'm going to get a chance to write, so I write when I can, especially after tonight's handover [of the money]. I'm meeting Wingnut later today. I promised that the two of us can go surf together. Last night I was busy on the comp trying to find stuff when the phone rang and it was Wingnut sounding totally upset.
"Where the fuck you been?"
"Hi."
He sounded totally pissed off. "So where the fuck have you been, you cunt?"
"I've had stuff to do, Wingnut."
"I need to see you now."
"Want me to come over there?"
"I'm not at home. I'm phoning from a call box. My folks think I'm sleeping at a friend's house. So where the fuck have you been, Steve?"
"Want me to meet you somewhere or do you want to come here?"
"You alone?"
"Always alone."
"I'm comin' now."
It was about fifteen minutes before he got here. He reeked of booze. I waited for him outside at the gate. He was wearing his Nike thick fleecy top and jeans. He looked really low. I opened the gate and said Hi. Then he grabbed me and started to sob his grommet heart out.
"Where the fuck have you been, huh? I thought you'd died. One of my friends died the other night."
He was bawling and choking on his tears so much I could hardly make out what he was saying. A friend of his, Callan, was racing a motorbike over a bump on one of the mountain roads and lost control. He was thrown from the bike and was badly injured, and went into a coma. He died on the way to hospital. He was fucking 16, Gary. He wasn't one of Wingnut's closest friends but Wingnut liked him, and they got on well together. When we got inside I poured us some coffee and made his strong. His eyes were red and his whole face was wet with tears. All of a sudden he was the little grommet that I met a few years ago.
"Everybody's dying. Every friend I've got is going away."
I held him again and he started to sob all over. "Hey, Wingnut, I'm sorry for the other night. I really am so fucking sorry for what I did. It wasn't supposed to be like that."
"I thought you'd died. I didn't want to see you again, and then Callan got killed and I had nobody to speak to about how I feel," he sobbed. He was sobbing the whole time. "And what you did [to me] I hated you for. I fucking hated you for what you did. But you're all I've got fucking left, you cunt."
Then he started to hit the fuck out of me with his fists, and I had to hold his arms. Then he fell against me crying. I couldn't control myself either, and I just hugged him as hard as I could. It was ages that we stood like that. Eventually I sat him down still sobbing.
"Hey, bud. You can't go home like this. You want to sleep over? We'll be alone. Just sleep - nothing else, I promise."
"Where were you, huh?"
"I've had stuff to do, buddy. Things to sort out."
"Where must I sleep then?" he said, sniffling and wiping his tears with the back of his hand.
"I can get a mattress if you'd prefer that."
"What about your folks?"
"They're away again."
"Can I sleep in your bed?"
"Yeah."
He stripped but left his briefs on. Army camouflage bikini briefs that showed off his physique and hugged his butt and hips.
I kept my boxers on and climbed in as well. When I turned off the light, he cuddled up to me and it felt fucking wonderful. The only erection was mine, and I didn't want him to even know I had one. His one arm was over me and his hand was against my chest. I could feel his pecs up against my back.
"Steve?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you still think of Cody?"
"All the time."
"Me too. I miss him so much."
"You still see his folks?"
"I sit in his room most days and listen to his music. His folks are so cool about it."
"How are they now?"
"They're OK... at least while I'm around." His hand rubbed my stomach and his breathing was warm up against my shoulder blades.
"Hey, I'm sorry for what I did OK."
"Yeah, OK."
"I love you, Wingnut. A lot. I'd like to try and be a friend like Code was."
"I'd like that."
Then he spoke more about Callan and how cool he was. They skated together a few times. Callan was one of these guys who was friendly to everyone and also had looks to kill. It is such a fucking waste.
I got out of bed at four this morning because I couldn't sleep. If I'd stayed in bed I would have probably tried to get into his briefs and I didn't want that. I was almost in tears when he left this morning to go home. When he woke up, the top of his boner was poking out of the elastic of his briefs but I didn't say anything about it.
"Do you want to go for a swim while I make us something [for breakfast]?"
"I'm not hungry but I'll go for a swim. Can I have some more coffee? And I need to borrow a toothbrush."
I tossed him a pair of black Speedos that were loose on him but didn't fall off, at least. Wingnut is about the same height as Cody now but with a narrower waist, where I wear the same size as Cody did. I made some coffee while he was swimming and then we drank it at the pool. So we made arrangements to go surfing even if the surf's crap. I told him that I couldn't meet up with him tonight, though, but didn't tell him why.
After he went home I laid on my bed and jacked off. Maybe it wasn't appropriate or something but I wanted to keep the image of him in my head with those black Speedos on. Right now I'm shitting myself about tonight and don't know what the fuck to expect. I'm waiting for a phone call to tell me where to go [to pay the money I owe the syndicate]. It should be OK but I'm just nervous about what they're gonna say and what the conditions will be.
Its 8:15am now.
I'll try and write during the week. Like I said, Gary, I'm not a great email person but right now it suits me to offload some of the shit in my head. Got the email you forwarded from Spencer thanks [the one about Spencer's friend Willie having gone through a drug problem]. Going to hit the shower to try and wake up a bit more. Sometime this week if everything is OK I want to burn the tools and shit I've got here. Maybe a celebration of something, who knows. Meant to tell you that Fingers phoned me and we had a long chat. I think he's in heat :) He tells me how much he loves me and misses me and I must tell him if there's anything I need. What I need now is a spunky little grommet.
Seeya Gary.
Your friend and Cody's
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