Today I'm gonna meet up with all my friends at school. All one of me. They don't want anything to do with me now that I've stopped selling [drugs]. Bruce can't be seen with me at school cos it would cause him damage. Don't know what's the point of going to school anyway cos I can't think, and I'm tired of teachers giving me the fucking third degree [about my tired face].
Bruce has got some Mandrax tablets, which will make me sleep. They used to be sleeping pills before they were banned here as a narc, so they can't be that fucking bad. I might ask him for one just to be able to have one night's sleep. One night's sleep! Fuck! What a luxury!
So how's the story coming along? Have I rescued any damsels in distress yet? Have I fought off the hordes? Tell you what, Gary. If you're going to put that beach stuff down [when Craig nailed me], then make me win. OK? I want to fist that fuck, and put the boot in when he's down. Then Wingnut could hold his arms up in the air and scream cos he's so happy for me. Then Steph jumps into my arms, and I grab a board leash and swing across the rooftops into the sunset using only one arm. 'Cause I'm holding her with the other arm, dumbass! Hahahahahahahahaha! Fuck it hurts to laugh.
Got an email from Brian "The Pest", he calls himself. Cool email. I'm nowhere with Cody's page cos I need to concentrate on what's going on there. I still need to put up a page of the graphics I've got that Cody did, and some other stuff.
Just cut my fingernails so I don't scratch myself. :) I'm wondering if my fingernails are like rhino horn, so I'm eating them. Supper tonight? Oops! That was last night. It was grilled chicken with mixed vegetables and baked potato. I think I'm gonna ask the cook to roast a whole chicken for me one evening, and then go to bed with it and fuck it. The chicken, not the cook. That will be a fucking lotta protein, not to mention probably fucking horny. Hahahahaha! Just picture it. Me laying on my back, sliding this fucking cooked chicken up and down my cock. Oh, shit, now I've got the fucking giggles. I can call it KFC - Kentucky Fucked Chicken hahahahahaha! With 11 herbs and spices and extra protein hahahahahaha! Do you want it extra crispy? Ooooo fuck! Hahahahahaha! That'd be different to a buttered bread roll. Done that, but you've gotta be careful about the type of bread roll [you use] or it falls apart, and the crumbs land in your pubes and make a helluva fucking mess.
Hear about the two gay guys on the train? They can't hold out any longer, but they don't have any lube. So they order a sandwich, and go to the toilet. The conductor opens the toilet door after it's been closed for fucking ages, and sees one of the guys behind the other, blowing air into his bud's crack, and waving his hand to create a breeze. He says, "I didn't know there was [hot English] mustard on the sandwiches." Hahahahahahaha!
It's the water, sir, promise. It's full of alien stuff, sir, and it makes me go crazy. Once more unto the breach, dear friends. We'll fight them in the school grounds and take no prisoners.
Did I tell you that Mark phoned? Oh, OK. Probably cos he didn't.
What to wear to school today. Decisions, decisions, de-fucking-cisions. Wonder what comments my face is gonna attract today. Slipped on a bar of soap, sir. It was a hunky piece of soap, sir. Slid right up my ass. No, it was the soap, sir. I shot the cock at dawn.
Actually, Gary, next time you don't need to read all this shit. I'm just doing this to keep me occupied. Maybe you should [read it], though. Then you can see what a crazy bastard I am. It's all cos I'm 18. Being 18 is soooooo hard! That's why you need friends to help you through this time. Difficult to party all alone. Can hang with Bruce, but he can't keep his fucking hands off me.
4:44. All the fours. Time flies when you're having fun. I was reading that part of Mark's story where he told Cody about keeping his sexuality to himself. What a fucker for saying that to Cody! Oops! Shut up, Steve. Don't down the "Hero." Nope, he's cool.
Aaaahhhh! Erection! I was thinking about laying behind Mark with my hand on his chest. Hahahahahaha! Who would've thought in a million trillion years that that would have happened? Me naked with Mark? In his bed? I might as well have blown him cos he fucking wanted it. How's that? If you're such a fucking str8 arrow [Mark] why do you stay naked and let a naked guy WITH A FUCKING ERECTION lay right up against you like that? But if I'd made a move for his jewels, he would've fucking beat me up. Why? For nothing except that I'd proven a fucking fact. Then I could've asked him about his fucking sexuality. That fucker is built like a god, and feels totally hot! His skin is smooth, and he's got really meaty nipples over hot pecs. He's got this really clean smell about him, and his back is solid. Hahahaha! Felt that against my chest. :)
Those guys whose pictures you posted on your page, Gary. Was that wise? What if guys rip them off and post them somewhere else? Especially those two guys with the skateboards. Could end up in shit for them. That's why I told Cody to take his pictures off [his site] but he felt that it was cool cos they were of him when he was only about 15-16, so he thought he wouldn't be recognized.
That pic you sent me of Paul the prick is pretty cool. If he knew you had that pic he would've sent Cody six feet under a long time ago. He hated Cody's whole net thing. I would've loved him [Paul] to fuck me. I think it was just his whole fucking aggro trip that made me fucking horny... like something you can't have but want.
Did you know that Cody was asked to be in a movie? Too fucking true! Actually, more than one. A guy in L-fucking-A said he already had a script, and that Cody would star with another hunky teen in a porn movie. Another guy in the UK offered the same. Cody got stacks of offers for pose for pics. One guy said it was cos of his "smile". Hahahahaha! More like the smile of his piss hole, hey.
6:07. Not too long now and it'll be time to wake up. Hahahaha! Gonna put a plaster over the cut on my cheek cos the bone is fucking tender. I'll get a lift again this morning with Bruce. It like to rub my hands on his legs, and he can't help getting a fucking erection. So I stroke it and he has to sit in the car trying to get the damn thing down. Yippee! It's Friday party time! All I really want to do is sleep. Just sleep. I'm fucking exhausted.
I've been reading the story of ME THE HERO hahahahaha! Some of it sounds like reading fucking email. But it's cool. Was thinknig about whacking off about the blonde guy you're writing about. He sounds fucking hot! Is that really me?
Oh, fuck. What I do need is some fucking grass. I wanted to roll a fucking joint earlier but the cupboard is bare except for that other stuff [the crack]. I reckon three joints and a bottle of whisky will sort me out. I'm not fucking crazy, Gary. Three Js and a bottle of Johnnies will kill me. I NEED TO FUCKING SLEEP THOUGH.
It's not the H anymore. I'm sure I'm over that now. I feel like jerking the turkey but the turkey's still sleeping. Looks like an angel when it's sleeping. Like a thick sausage lazing over a rock. I can see why the chicks dig to touch it. It's quite a good looking cock - thick - and the skin is smooth except when it's hard. Then there's this vein that runs along the top. And when it's soft, it hangs below my nads. Thank fuck for that! Bruce's lazy cock rests on top of his nads! So, you jacking yet, Gary?
"None of your damn business."
I've gotta go shower. This has been one fucked up night again.
2:13pm. Back from school. I think Bruce has the answer. I've been overdosing on the Bs and Cs. So I'm gonna cool it with those for a day or two. He said I should only be taking the Bs in the morning. AFTER I'VE HAD SOME FUCKING SLEEP!!!! So I haven't taken any today, and I'm well and truly fucked now. I'm going to sleep.
Hi Gary. I'm feeling OK. On Friday after school, I slept right through until 5 the next morning. I was feeling really rested. Went down to the beach and it was one of those totally beaut mornings. The surf was small and glassy, but the shape was perfect, and the peaks were there. There was another guy out in the water.
I paddled out, but I can't describe just how it felt to be paddling out into the surf again. To me and Code, the surf was like our second home. Maybe for me it was my first home. I was always happy there in the bosom of Mother Ocean.
Thank fuck that Wingnut and his gang weren't there cos that would've just cocked the whole scene up for me, and I probably wouldn't have gone out.
The sets weren't so big, so paddling out was OK. But I could feel how tired and unfit I was. I paddled to where the peaks were. The other guy just sat on his board, looking at the sun coming up, and it was fucking magnificent rising over Table Mountain - just like Cody used to see it on his Dawn Patrols.
Took off on my first wave, and it like came back so naturally. It wasn't a great ride. It was short, but it was so cool to be back in the water. I paddled out again after the ride, and I could feel my muscles working again. It was just fucking unreal! Got to the line where the swell was peaking, and the other surfer waved to me. Couldn't make him out, though, cos he was just a silhouette against the bright sun. So I paddled toward to him.
"Hi, Mr T."
His eyes were red, so I knew he'd been crying. He was looking good, though. That dude sits on a stick like owns the fucking sea, and he's quite fit. "Hi, Steve," he smiled. "How you doing, boy?"
"It's going better today," I laughed. "How are you guys? You and Mrs T?"
"Ups and downs as could be expected. But it's getting better. A lot of guys [Cody's friends] in and out of the house, which is pretty cool. We haven't seen you around though, Steve, and I think I can see why."
"Sorry," I blushed, big time, and tried to avoid his gaze. "I haven't been sleeping."
"You sure that's it?"
"I guess you've heard about the drugs and stuff, Mr T, and I'm trying to get there. It's over a week now, and it's hard, but I'm getting there on my own."
"Did Cody ever try any of the hard stuff? You can tell me. I can't exactly go and beat him over the head."
"Cody hated it. It was the cause of a lot of our fights cos he wanted me to stop, and I couldn't."
"What about little Wingnut? Sometimes I see him with his eyes all glassy, and I wonder."
"I don't think Wingnut does. Guess he might have a reefer with his buds sometimes. But that's it."
"Think that's cool? Smoking weed? I used to do that when I was your age. They used to lock you away if you were caught in those days. Now kids get away with most of it, and they [the authorities] just turn a blind eye. All I remember is hiding away from the police and my folks [when I was smoking]. Always in dark dingy hideouts, and never really enjoying it once the euphoria was over."
"Cody used to choose his friends well, Steve, so he must've seen something there outside of the crap you're on. We [my wife and I] would like to see some of that, and we'd like you to come and visit sometimes. Wingnut spends a lot of time there. Even sleeps over now and then."
"I don't think Wingnut would like to see me hanging at Cody's right now."
"I know the story. Well, I know his version of the story. You becoming aggressive and a bully. Beating up one of his friends because of a prank they played. I know where he's coming from, though. He misses Cody, and looks for a Cody in all of Cody's friends, but he can't find it. But if you look at Mark, yourself, Darren, Ross, Kevin, Wingnut, even Steph, and a lot of others, I think there's a bit of Cody in all of you, and it's those bits that Cody's mom and I enjoy seeing. Put you guys all together and it's like Cody being there."
I didn't quite know what to say to Mr T, so I just carried on staring silenty at the horizon... and feeling guilty.
"That's what you need to find, I guess," he continued after a moment or two. "Find the bit that Cody found in you and you'll find something really special about yourself."
I was trying so fucking hard not to cry. I guessed it must've been pretty obvious to Mr T, though, who was undoubtedly watching me as he resumed his little speech.
"You came along after Paul went to England [with his folks], and we remember seeing Cody come alive after having been totally miserable and depressed. You were good for him. So what happened, Steve? I know you guys were fighting more often with each other and seeing each other less. It happens to a lot of us, but you two were like two thieves together. Inseparable."
"I think it was the drugs. Cody hated it. And Mark was there, and I didn't want to get in the way."
"I don't think you're going to come clean without help, Steve. It's too hard. You may be clean for a month or even more, but you'll drift back."
"I need to try cos of... circumstances."
"Your folks will understand if you want to get to a clinic. Won't they?"
"You still surf in the mornings, Mr T?"
"Sometimes. I think that he's [Cody] is there with me. I was very lucky as a dad that he would love being with me. So our Dawn Patrols became our special time together. We didn't do it nearly enough now when I think about it."
"I haven't surfed for a while now."
"I see you haven't lost it, though. It might have been the day Cody met you. It was the first time we ever saw him so happy since Paul left. He told us about this blonde guy who ripped apart every wave he rode."
"Hahahahaha! Hey, you're not so bad either."
"For an old dude, huh?" he smiled.
"No, fu... No, jeez, you surf as well as any of us."
"Maybe just a bit more cautious than you guys. Hey, I'd better get back before Code's mom blames me for the spoilt breakfast. Go well, guy, and come around for supper one evening."
"I'll phone you, Mr T. Thanks."
"Nice to see you again, Steve. I'll tell Wingnut that you were down here... looking like shit, but hopefully you'll get there."
"I don't think Wingnut would think it's cool. Rather not say anything."
After Mr T paddled toward the beach, my emotions just took complete control over me, and I cried my eyes out, sitting on my board. Was I feeling sorry for myself again? Maybe. I don't know. But talking to Cody's dad - in the surf - was just too fucking much for me to handle. I sat there for about an hour afterwards, riding the gentle swell, without paddling a stroke. Then I went home.
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