So you catch me with these fucking mails before school? So the battery is well and truly pissed? Cool. I was wondering when I would get there. Didn't think it was possible to make you mad. Here's the deal. If you stop connecting with me, I will off this fucking planet in a fucking jizz shot, because right fucking now there is nobody else I can talk to. And if you can't handle what I'm fucking dealing then you can fuck off.
I'm sorry for the way I feel, and I can't just change that. But I'm telling you now Mr Fucking B, if you don't connect with me then that's the fucking last of Cody that I have got to go on for. Oh, don't feel guilty about anything. You've kept me going this far. I knew what was waiting for me when I got back from Joburg. Fucking hell, I got off lightly. I don't think it's the end of it yet.
I'm going to Cody's tonight to see if there's anything left for me, Gary. With everything I've said about Wingnut fucking me over, I have never wanted anyone so badly besides the Codeman.
I can relate to Rick and his brother except that I haven't had to spend that much time in jail. Been there and survived a night. Where the fuck do you think Cody got his ideas for the jail scene in his story from? I was the dude who ended up handing over his clothes to prevent being fucking ass-banged in there by the black guys. I was the only fucking whitey in there. So don't give me a lot of crap.
If you're starting to believe that I'm on the fucking road to nowhere, that just confirms every fucking thing I've written. So just tell me. If you want, you can trash the [Steve] story and fuck off. My fingers have been glued to this fucking keyboard, hoping that I could find something - just fucking anything inside myself - to just keep going.
Selling myself for fucking H? I didn't get the fucking stuff from Bruce cos he won't give it to me. He suspects the mood I'm in, and it scares the shit out of him.
I'm late for school now because I've just read the whole Johannesburg scene [in the story] and you've done a fucking good job. Maybe I'm gonna have to shove a toilet roll down my pants as well. Brought back the memories of me and Fingers, and the cool times we had. Oh, fuck, let me get to school. It's not up to me, Gary. Sorry that I'm so fucked up, but if you can't handle it right now, I understand. Everyone else around me can't handle me right now either.
> So you catch me with these fucking mails before school?
Surprise!!!! G'day Steve,
So you love me. Woooooooooohooooooooooooo! I'm chuffed like you wouldn't believe. I feel like you and Code must've felt after you'd had a fight and made up. I AM STOKED!
Hey, you've got a funny way of telling me how much I mean to you, but that's OK. I can read between the lines. You didn't even say hello or goodbye cos you were as mad as hell hehehe. But for all the right reasons.
About pissing on my battery. Did I mention that it was an internal battery? You've read my stories, so you know how I feel about piss. But there's only one kinda piss for me, and that's god piss. Prob is, when a god pisses on his admirer, he loses respect. So I have to resort to telling stories to make it right. It doesn't work in real life.
You need me? Do you have any idea how good that makes me feel? Sure, I tested you in my last email, but you were also testing me. I took a stand, not to mention a risk. But it worked.
Anyway, mate, you're the god and I'm the fossil. But we're equal. You've got your qualities and I've got mine. Just like it was with Code and me. I can gawk at your bod, and you can gawk at... uh... I'll think of something.
I'm sooooooooo happy that you got mad at me. You could have easily walked away, and I was worried that you would. But I had to take a stand along with the risk that that stand involved. Mind you, I'm still not happy with your latest purchase. I don't like the way you cave in to temptation. I don't like your tantrums. And I don't like your attitude when you're depressed. But I'm doing my best to understand those things, and to understand your predicament.
When I get mad at you, I remember the things Code said about you. I remember the things Mark said about you after he'd cooled down. I remember the things Fingers said about you. I remember how incredibly brave you've been. You're like a pendulum that swings back and forth, and it's almost impossible to predict your moods.
I'm just about to serve up a curry. It's my fav recipe. Apple, onion, banana, coconut, lemon, tomato, beef, a fair whack of curry powder, and whatever... served with rice. It's just awesome. It reminds me of you... lots of ingredients that go to make up a wonderful blend of flavors. But some of them on their own are bitter and unpalatable. :)
Hey, Steve. I'm no different. I need to be needed too. And I'm chuffed that you need me. I also need you. But I also must admit that I'm pretty strong. I've survived many dramas in the past and I guess I'll survive a few more. But just existing from day to day is not my ideal. I want more than that. I want somebody on a pedestal. OK, the ladder is a bit slippery hehe. But that's OK. I can wait.
I've learned that the answers to your problems are not simple. No way. You've been grabbing at straws for much of your young life. There is much confusion about who you are. The bronzed blonde surfer god or the hopeless druggie. Jeez, what a contrast.
Confirm that you're on the road to ruin? Nope. I won't do that cos that's what you want me to do. I chose my words very carefully in my last email. Confirmation of your own opinion of yourself is what you're seeking. And you've been successful in turning Steph and Wingnut against you. But let me say this: if you can turn the wheel one way, you can turn it the opposite way. "I thought he was a fucking lunatic," was what Mark said about Cody when they first met. What does Mark think now? Try this: "I loved him more than anyone in the whole world, and I still do." When Mark's pendulum swung, it stayed swung. I believe the same thing can eventually happen to Steph and Wingnut.
One of the first phrases you used in your email was, "Here's the deal." Well, here's my deal. So long as I'm convinced that you're trying, and being fair dinkum, you and I will be joined at the hip. I expect honesty, tho. And I won't go to pieces if you stumble occasionally. That's not a license to be weak, by the way.
I am a strong person. My strength is what Lindsay and Sue rely upon. My strength is what drove me to persist with Mr B until I got the damn thing happening. But my strength alone is insufficient. I don't wanna be the only palm tree in a hurricane. I wanna draw strength from you like I did from Code. And I want you to draw strength from me.
Thanks for getting mad at me hehehe. Thanks for calling me every name under the sun. And thanks for making it very clear to me that you need me. You will probably never tell me that you love me, but you've demonstrated it. I have great difficulty in expressing love too. I very rarely use that word. I prefer to demonstrate it. Actions speak louder than words.
So, my tall handsome friend with the smile that Cody so loved, let's work together for a common purpose; to make you happy. Your smiles will be my smiles just as your tears will be my tears. But I have to draw the line somewhere, and you know where that line is.
As I write this, you're probably having supper with Mr & Mrs T. You've probably seen Code's room, and had a million memories come flooding back. Lucky you. I wish I could be there.
It's late and I can hardly keep my eyes open. And yes, the curry was superb. Time for beddie byes. I can't wait to hear all about your supper with Mr & Mrs T. And I'll bet my left nad that you felt Code's presence. :)
Your friend and Code's
Hi Gary. This isn't a bonus mail. I just need to write. Yesterday, after I sent that email to you, I went into a total fucking depression like I never had before. I battled to sleep, thinking about... just about everything. My life. Cody. Wingnut. Mark. You. Everything.
I wasn't sure what the best thing to do was. I was going to shoot myself up with everything I could lay my hands on. Figured that would be the easiest cos I would be unconscious when the pain and paranoia hit me, and I could just sleep my way into it. Thought about if I could really meet up with Cody - or is that all just bullshit.
Then this morning, I got that email from you, and well you know how I felt about it cos I replied right away. And I even got another email this arvie. :)
My intention wasn't to get into H. It was go get off the fucking planet. It's the depressions that are so bad. I'd sit and think of Cody or Wingnut and just fucking cry.
Your comment about doing what my dad wants cos he doesn't expect anything from me was so fucking low, and it hurt me. I smashed the mirror on the wall, I was so fucking pissed off. Nobody [here] bothered to check what was happening. "Oh, it's just Steve on another trip." But I'm a backup person. I've got another full-length mirror on the inside door of my closet. :)
[Yep, my comment about your dad was meant to hit you right between the eyes, but it wasn't meant to break a mirror. Sometimes pussy footing around gets you nowhere. I knew that letter was risky, but you were getting to a point where I felt I didn't have a choice. Anyway, what's done is done.]
About all the buds you've had and given up on. When you think back now, could you have done more for them by being a MrB rather than a Gary? By getting them to speak to you about how they really feel? You gave up on those guys. Sorry, but I need to say that. You gave up on them by letting them steal and fuck you over without them telling you how they felt.
[Could I have done more for Ricky and the others if I'd been a Mr B back then? I'm pretty sure I could have. I was very naive in those days. The blind leading the blind. My greatest teacher has been Daniel. Writing those stories forced me to become his persona and to think like him. I had to make decisions while thinking like a teen. I've learned more in the last 4 or 5 years than any period before that. I suppose you could say that my Cody years were my growing up years, but I never got past my teens. I can't do anything about my bod, but I can keep my mind young. Anyway, what I failed to do back then I'm making up for now - thanks to you and Code.]
The trip to Bruce's place tomorrow morning? I'm curious. I'm not selling my body to him for H. Bruce would never sell me that stuff cos he knows the moods I'm in right now. It's weird but you'd actually like him, Gary. Not what he does as in selling - but who he is.
I'm trying hard to get Wingnut out of my head. I've got a pic [of him] up on my noticeboard with pins in it. Maybe he'll get a headache or something. Maybe he does deserve to be angry at me, but I didn't ask for what happened with Jason [phoning me and calling me a coke head] or to be beaten up by his brother. They asked for that. If anything, he and Sean and Jason should've gotten their asses kicked for going on and fucking on.
I'm so nervous about this evening. Thought of phoning Mr T and making some lame excuse [about not being able to go] but I need to be near Cody again. Just to feel him around me.
I've ironed my shirt and chinos about a hundred times. Doing a Mark impersonation hahahahaha. It's just that I can't handle anyone around me right now, so I did the ironing myself. Polished my leathers too. Check the halo. :)
It would be easy for the two of us to stop the corro [email] now and go our own ways. But right now, this minute, I'm just so fucking lonely.
I'm gonna shower now. Want to wash my back for me?
Fucking hell, I'm so sorry for what I said to you. You're the last person who deserves that kind of shit from a screwed up teenager.
Hold thumbs up for me tonight, Gary. I'm shitting myself.
Your friend and the Codeman's
Some readers have suggested that Steve needed professional help, but that was not an option for reasons you have either gathered so far or that will become clearer as you read more of the story. I don't pretend to be a professional counselor or whatever. Hell, I relied on gut instinct. But I think if anything got Steve and me through this trauma, it was our mutual love and respect for Cody - and, perhaps as a consequence of that, the love and respect Steve and I now have for each other. Nevertheless, Cody's the one who worked this miracle, not me. We all owe you big time, Code. :o)
Hold everything! Just before posting this chapter to the site, I received an email from Francois. In it was this poem. It's a must read, and was originally posted on the FunTB Yahoo site by bobvr2001. Thanks Bob, and you too Francois.
TO BELIEVE is to know
that every day is a new beginning,
to trust that miracles can happen,
and that dreams really do come true.
To believe is to see the angels
dancing among the clouds,
to know the wonder of a starlit sky
and the wisdom of the man in the moon.
To believe is to know
the value of a nurturing heart,
the innocence of a child's eyes,
and the beauty of an aging hand,
for it is through their teachings
we learn to love.
To believe is to find the strength
and courage that lies within us,
when it is time to pick up the pieces
and begin again.
To believe is to know
that we are not alone,
that life is a gift
and this is our time to cherish it.
To believe is to know
that wonderful surprises are waiting to happen,
and all our hopes and dreams
are within our reach.
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