This is not strictly speaking a chapter of the Steve story, rather it's a reaction from Chuck, who's been catching up with the Wingnut and Mark stories, and has just read the Steve story up to the previous chapter. Chuck is the guy who wrote that brilliant message of condolence the other day, which I think has given us all a new perspective of the meaning of life and death, and in particular Cody's.
I've known Chuck for quite a few years, but ours was a casual friendship that involved a few emails from time to time. He and Joshua helped with hosting Daniel's Diary in the early days, but their modest frac.T [whatever the hell that is] couldn't handle the bandwidth problems.
Just a week or two ago, Chuck "re-discovered" MrB, and found out about Cody's death. He's since been reading the stories, and telling me some pretty amazing things about his own life - stuff that I'd never known or suspected. Stuff like this:
OH MY GOD! I just finished probably the most riveting story I have ever read! STEVE! I actually lived and felt what he must have felt all the way through. I laughed, I cried, I yearned, I felt lonely, depressed, longing for love, the beginnings of hope... DAMN!!!
That is one COURAGEOUS guy! I know he didn't and probably still doesn't feel that way, but the raw will it took to do some of the things he did, once he is through his trials, will make him someone everyone will admire and respect.
I see his yearning for acceptance and love.. true love (Cody-love if you will), not the lustful replacement he was using. He will find it.. in fact already has it buried in his friends and it is slowly surfacing.
For the first time, they will see the *real* Steve and not someone hiding behind a mask, afraid to reveal his true self to anyone. Soon his self-hate will lessen, a bit at a time, until he can see himself for the truly wonderful person he is, who we, because we are somewhat detached by distance and print, already see.
I know he hurts like hell over losing Cody. I know exactly what he is feeling about it because I lost my life long soul mate 1 week before our 19th birthday (is there something about age 19 I don't know about?).
Eric and I were born 5 minutes apart in the same room. Our parents were best friends. Within days, we were placed in the same crib together while they visited each other. I am told that once we discovered each other, we clung to each other and when they attempted to separate us, raised such hell they could not do it.
All through our life it was like that. I used the singular for a reason :). When in school, everyone, kids, teachers, our parents, everyone said that they thought we were one person living in 2 bodies. No one ever gave us crap about it though.
In looking back I find that very strange because I doubt there was more than 5 days a year that we were not together 24/7. we each lived at each other's houses even on school nights. We had 2 sets of parents. 2 weeks with one, 2 weeks with the other. We owned everything in community and even forgot what belonged to whom (we even wore the same size clothes).Yes, we also became lovers at age 8.
We did the usual 'blood brother' thing, and then later , around age 12 or so, we had a ceremony where we 'married' each other (in private of course, no one officially knew about us).
Eric was killed in much the same way as Cody, in a car. His corvette rammed a telephone pole at (officials said) 110mph killing him instantly.
It was more than a year before I accepted the fact that he was dead (although I knew in my heart because I could no longer "feel him" inside). Hell I didn't even go to his funeral! That left a hole in my heart that is not filled even to this day 37 years later. It has only been in the last 12 years or so that I came to terms with it and now I realize he is a part of me inside and has always been and I no longer grieve for him.
I am not saying that it will take that long for Steve to come to grips about Cody. His awakening will happen much faster. He has many friends to help him along his road to accepting Cody's death and understanding that Code now lives deep inside him and all of his friends instead of next to him.
I had to do that by myself.
I am so proud of Steve I feel like my chest will burst, and I don't even know him. Does that say how profound an effect his life has on others?
If he thinks for one second that his email "ramblings" will be wasted as just another story, he will need to look again later. Now is not the time. When he is whole again, and has made his peace with those around him, then he can look at his story more objectively and maybe see what I am saying.
Although all of the stories and people are very important and very profound, I think that Steve's story may very well be the catalyst to begin change in others beset with many of the same problems. Then if those people let all of the related stories sink into their hearts, there can be nothing but beneficial change. I truly believe that this story will be the fuel that ignites everyone's hearts to embrace the "Cody Saga" (All the friends' stories together make one single emotional, heart-felt impact that cannot be equalled or ignored)
sorry about the spelling and gammar but I just had to write this quickly as I was feeling it, and want to send it to you before i look back and change any of it. As I have thought and felt so often these last few days about Cody, Mark, Paul and WingNut, Steve Rocks!
If you think any portion of this may help Steve along, feel free to send it to him, otherwise just reassure him again that there are many people out there who have grown to love him deeply and support him.
Don't worry about the spelling and 'gammar', Chuck. :o) You've written a wonderful tribute to Steve. A month or two ago, he was anticipating getting a stack of hate mail from people who were reading his story. And now you're saying that Steve rocks? Are you sure you're not mistaken, Chuck? Are you sure that Francois, Brian, Richie, Spencer, Ron, and all his other supporters, including me, are not mistaken? Are you sure that Wingnut, Cody, Fingers and Mark are not mistaken? Are you sure that Mr & Mrs T are not mistaken?
Steve? Are you reading this? Are you getting the feeling that we're all ganging up on you? Hehehe.
Hey, Steve, you once told me that I didn't really know you. Well, mate, I'm here to tell you that YOU were the one who really didn't know you. So how do you feel now? Pretty chuffed? So you ought to be.
I heard from one of my spies this morning that you were in FunTB chat. Hehehe won't do so I've gotta say HAHAHAHAHA! You sneaky little scallywag. Jeez, even as little as a week ago, your being in FunTB chat would have been the absolute remotest possibility! Am I to blame? Nope. Francois is to blame. He's even more devious than I am. Typical bloody Frenchman. Uses every trick in the damn book. Just remember this: if he ever tries to talk you into eating escargot or frog's legs, gimme a yell and I'll sort him out.
Meantime, I'm expecting your Monday mail tomorrow morning my time [Tuesday], with a detailed account of all the sordid and despicable things you and Francois talked about on FunTB chat, as well as all the other scallywag things you got up to over the weekend.
Brian "The Pest" was TOTALLY pissed off when he found out you'd been in chat and he'd missed you. And me? I'm rarely in chat. It's too early in the morning for me. Besides, it's my allocated GAWKING time and I tend to be rummaging around for gawkable material. Actually, this morning I was watching a dude live giving his ol' fella a bit of a workout, and using the remote control to focus his web cam on his twitching rosebud. Woohoo! I've gotta tellya that holding a coffee in one hand [if I said wine you'd hate me] and my unmentionable in my other hand, makes typing messages just a wee bit difficult. Although, I must admit, if I saw you on chat I think I'd make an exception.
Did I tell you about the time I asked one guy to whack the keyboard with his boner? Up came a whole bunch on nonsensical stuff on the screen but it didn't matter. I was visualizing his throbber punching all that stuff onto the screen and I thought it was HOT! Yeah, I know... I'm a worry.
So now you know that a whole bunch of people love you to bits. And we're not just talking about your average Joe Blow here. Guys like Chuck are up there with the best. He was the lover of Hollywood's you-know-who. Brian is a multi-talented musician who can play about eight instruments - all at once [when he's not wanking]. Admittedly, he can't spell for nuts, tho. Jim is a highly educated man who can run rings around most academics, and described your story as "astonishing". Richie has been to hell and back with alcoholism and is now a successful businessman. Spencer is one of the world's nicest and most caring young people. Francois is a man with years of teaching experience, and an intimate knowledge of the problems of youth. Your fans and supporters are not just your average Joe Blows, Steve. You've kicked a major goal here.
Re-read what Chuck said about having read your story. He wrote his reaction, like he said, straight from the heart, without thinking about grammar or whatever. He wanted to communicate his immediate feelings and impressions to you [and me]. If he'd been in a theater, he would have been standing and applauding you as the star on stage.
Pretty awesome, huh? And you were the guy who told me early in the piece that you couldn't understand why I thought your story was worth telling.
Well, Steve, welcome to Steve, the guy you never really knew. He's gonna be your best friend from now on.
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