Florida USA
Part 2

After dinner, and doing the dishes, I decided to take a walk. I had a lotta thinking to do. Should I visit Jason? Nah. He'd probably confuse me even more than I was already. Same thing applied to all the other guys, so I figured I'd just spend the night alone.

I stopped briefly at the pedestrian crossing and thought about all the times I'd jacked off and pissed there... and the times I'd had sex there with my buds under the yellow light of the overhanging crossing sign.

Maybe I should call into Pop's place. Nope. He'd only tell me what he figured I'd wanna hear. Support wasn't what I needed right now. I needed answers. Real answers.

By the time I'd reached the bright lights of the mall, I realized that that was the last place I should've gone to. A bunch of guys from school were there with their girlfriends... all laughing and goofing off. I imagined seeing Paul there with Cindy, holding hands or arm in arm. Fucking hell. I had to get outa that place fast.

For about an hour I wandered aimlessly around the empty back streets, and as I walked past each house, I could hear people inside. Everyone seemed happy. Why? It was becoming more and more obvious. They were happy 'cause they were normal.

For a few minutes, I stood outside Lindy's house, wondering if I should talk to her. Maybe she could help. Her mother answered the door.

"Hi. Is Lindy home?"

"Hello, Daniel. Yes, she's home, but she's getting ready to go out."

"Oh. OK, no prob. I was just cruising the hood. Thought I'd say hi. No biggie. I'll catch up with her at school or whatever."

"Hi, Daniel! 'Sup?" Lindy's beaming face suddenly appeared at the door. "Thought I recognized your voice."

"Uh, nothing, Lindy. Just cruising."

"A bunch of us are going to the movies. Wanna come?"

"Thanks, but no... I'm just kinda hanging loose tonight. Chillin'. I'll catch you later. OK?"

"Daniel?" she asked as her mother disappeared inside. "Is something wrong?"

"Everything's fine, Lindy. I was just passing by and I thought..."

"Something's wrong. I can tell. You wanna come in for a while?"

"Nah, it's cool. You're going out. I can see you later. It's no biggie."

"What are you doing?"

"Just walking... got some thinking to do."

"I'll walk with you."

"I'd rather be alone, if it's OK with you."

"Alone? So what are you doing at my front door? Listen, Daniel. Something's bothering you. Walk me to the movies. OK? Maybe you'll change your mind when you get there."

As we walked toward the mall, I began to get nervous about seeing all the guys with their girlfriends again. What if Paul was there with Cindy? "Hey, Lindy, you go on without me. OK? I'm not in the mood for a movie."

"At least walk me to the mall so I can tell my friends that I've changed my mind. You and I can find a coffee shop or whatever and have a private chat. OK?"

Yeah, right. It was a totally dumb idea. I should never have knocked on Lindy's door in the first place. But I was stuck. After the waitress had placed two steaming cups of capuccino on our table, I watched Lindy spoon two sugars on top of the creamy brown froth and and stir it in. It was interesting to observe the way the sugar was slowly being swallowed by the coffee. That's how I felt about my own destiny.

"OK. You wanna tell me what's bothering you, Daniel?"

"I'm not who you think I am."

"Oh? So what are you? A serial killer?"

"No."

"So what are you?"

"I'm gay, Lindy. I'm fucking gay. Hey, listen, this is a really dumb idea. OK? Let's finish our coffee and get the fuck outa here. You go back to the movies."

"Is that what's bothering you? You're gay?"

"Are you kidding? Jeez... if only you knew."

"Knew what? That you and your buds get off? You think I didn't know that already?" she smiled smugly.

"So who else knows?" I asked while stirring my coffee, avoiding her eyes.

"Does it matter? Everybody likes you, Daniel. You're one of the most popular guys at school. Gay schmay. What's being gay got to do with it? People like you 'cause you're you. It's got nothing to do with being gay!"

"So everybody knows I'm gay?"

"No, not everybody. You're not stereotypical. You don't look or act gay. Actually, you're a hunk."

"So I'm not a WYSIWYG. What you see is what you don't get. Right?"

"What's brought all this on, Daniel? You've never been like this before. You've always been proud and confident. You've always inspired other people. They look up to you."

"Look up to what? A fucking phony?"

"If you were a phony people would know. You're not a phony," she insisted. "If you were, I wouldn't be sitting here now. And you wouldn't have so many friends. What's eating you?"

I took a deep breath, then held it for a few seconds before exhaling and dropping my shoulders as a sign of submission. "You know about Paul and Cindy?"

"Cindy? That bitch? Oh!... hang on. Ah! Now I get it!" Lindy returned her cup to the saucer. "You think Paul and Cindy are like going out together or whatever?"

"She went to his place tonight for dinner and to meet his folks."

"Daniel, take it from me... Cindy is out to prove something. You'll be next."

"Next?"

"Yeah... after she's dumped Paul. She's working her way up to you. Don't you see? There's not a girl at school who doesn't wanna get into your pants, Daniel, and that's Cindy's mission. Can I ask you something, Daniel? Are you a virgin? I mean... like with girls?"

I lowered my eyes, and once again avoided Lindy's gaze. "Yeah."

"Hey, don't be embarrassed. That's nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't take a fucking genius to pork a girl. Any fool can do it. Just look around you."

I cracked totally for a full minute, then said, "You make it sound so damn funny, Lindy."

"Well, it is funny, dammit! The whole damn world is funny... so long as you don't take it too seriously. Anyway, I wouldn't worry about Paul. If I know Cindy, she's inflated his ego to the point where he's behaving like a zombie. She's a cunning bitch."

"Is she a virgin?"

"Ha! I'm gonna crack a rib in a minute," she chortled. "Virgin! You're kidding me, right? She would've lost her virginity at about age ten. She's probably had the whole damn school up her... maybe all at once! I wouldn't be surprised."

"So Paul might fuck her?" I asked after Lindy's giggling had finally subsided.

"What if he does?"

I answered by shrugging my shoulders, then stirred my coffee again.

"Daniel? Would that be a problem?"

"It might be."

"You think Paul's deserting you? Is that it?"

"I don't wanna be left behind, Lindy. What if all the guys change? What if I'm the only one who doesn't?"

"Well, there's at least one person who doesn't want you to change, and that's me. And I figure there are a lotta peeps who'd agree with me."

"Greg agrees with you. I've talked to him about it. But you guys are straight, so like you don't have the same problem. Y'know? Like you guys can sail through life without all this fucking shit."

"You think straights don't have their quota of shit to deal with? Gimme a break, Daniel. Everbody deals with shit, no matter who or what they are."

"You're always happy."

"So you expect me to wear a long face? How many friends do you think I'd have if I was always on a downer? Like none, right?"

"You mean you pretend to be happy all the time?"

"Can I tell you something, Daniel? I think this needs to be said. I've always had a huge crush on you. Sometimes I'd be totally pissed at not being able to have you. But when I thought about it, I realized that if I could have you, I'd have to change you, and that's not what I really wanted. I realized that I loved you for what you are."

"You love me?"

"Hello? Are you kidding me? Like who doesn't love you, Daniel? Everybody loves you... well, almost everybody. The only one who doesn't according to what you've been telling me is you."

"I didn't realize... I mean... I knew you were my friend and all... and you've blown me and everything... but... jeez..."

"Get a grip, Daniel. Be thankful for who you are. And don't worry about Cindy. She's not gonna change a damn thing. Paul will come to his senses and it'll be like always. You'll see."

"You really think so?"

"I know so. Cindy's a fuckwit. She's playing a stupid game. You wanna know why? 'Cause she's insecure, that's why. She's always gotta prove some damn thing to herself. And she uses people."

"Can you talk to her? Can you tell her to lay off Paul?"

"No need. She'll fuck the whole thing up herself without my help."

"Jeez, I dunno, Lindy. I guess what you're saying makes sense... but." I paused again to stir my coffee, and to study the froth.

"But what?"

"I haven't told you everything. I do some pretty weird stuff."

"Like when you give us girls a show at the peephole?"

"Worse."

"Worse? Woohoo! What have you been keeping from us, Daniel? This I gotta hear!"

"It'll freak you out."

"Try me."

The more I told Lindy about the kinda stuff the guys and I had gotten up to -- like the sex parties at Jo's and Freddie's place -- videoing the whole damn thing -- jacking off at the pedestrian crossing -- walking naked around the streets -- the more interested she became.

"Wow! You really do all that stuff?"

"Weird, huh?"

"No way, Jose. Sounds totally awesome! You make me wish I was one of the guys. My sex life is totally lamo by comparison. Don't get me wrong, but Greg doesn't... well, let me put it this way, he's not quite as adventurous as you are."

"That's what you call it? Adventurous?"

"Sure. Why not? Who says we've all gotta live in a damn shoebox? I admire your spirit, Daniel. Most people don't have your kinda courage."

"You don't think it's weird?"

"You're asking me, Daniel, not those two people at the next table. What kinda answer do you want? Mine or theirs? And what's the bet that mine will be different to theirs?"

"So it is weird."

"Depends on who you ask, and who you wanna believe. Hey, when you get right down to it, there's only one person you should ask, and only one person you should believe."

"Yeah? Who's that?"

"Go figure."

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