South Africa
Part 86
Based on emails from October, 2002.

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What the...? Condoms under my pillow? I suspected my mom had put them there after my chat about wanting Steph to sleep over. Hmmm. Plain ol' Durex. I was gonna have to tell her that Steph preferred strawberry flavor hahahaha! My mom obviously thought my fitness level had improved a stack cos there were two packs of three.

Anyway, as it turned out Steph wasn't allowed to sleep over. :( I thought I could hear a collective sigh of relief coming from the kitchen and the study as I replaced the phone. Steph's folks insisted that she needed to concentrate on her studies. But that wasn't the only reason. I knew that Steph had had an argument with her mom cos it would be the weekend and she needed free time and blah, blah, blah.

So for the time being on that particular Thursday it looked like it would be me and Mr Snake. We were gonna have to play tug-o-war cos the fucker didn't know to play Heroes or Star Craft.

"So, Mr Snake, are you up to it? Hey, just don't fucking lay there! Do something! Oooo, ohhh, yeah! That's better. Hey, if you spit in my eye I'm gonna crush your nuts. Ouch! Fuck! OK, OK! So they're my nuts as well. Damn you, you fucking one-eyed SOB."

Gary had earlier asked about Craig, and wanted to know if he surfed. Yep, he surfed. But I'd always ignored him in the water. Out there, it was just us and the surf and fighting for a wave if the lineup was busy. Actually, I had to admit that Craig did look fucking good in a wettie.

So then I phoned Winger and asked him what he was gonna do Friday night.

"Nothing yet. Jason's having a braai [BBQ] at his house on Saturday for all the guys on the swim team. You wanna come?"

Swim team? Craig? "Oh, yeah, sure. Craig gonna be there?"

"Yeah. But, hey, it's cool. Why don't ya come along?"

"I'll think about it. But if it's one of those swim team things then maybe I shouldn't."

"Well, it's a kind of swim team thing but friends are invited as well. It's just a big jol [pr: jawl = party]."

"I'll see. I'll check with Steph."

"Cool. So what's happening Friday night?"

"Nothing yet. Just wanna know if you maybe wanna stay over. Play some [computer] games. Shit like that."

"I'll check what's happening. I think Jacky might want to go to the movies, but if we're going to Jason's on Saturday night then maybe I can get out of going to the movies on Friday."

"Cool. So what's up at school? Haven't seen you around much lately. Kinda miss you, buddy."

"It's just been totally hectic. I've been swimming every day, and I played some cricket. Hey, did you go for a surf on Wednesday night?"

"Yeah, I was there but I didn't see you."

"I was there. It was cool, huh?"

"Yeah... total. Just too packed. That's the hassle. When it's good all the grommets crawl out of the fucking woodwork."

"Tell me about it. Hey! I must tellya... Candy has been talking such a load of crap to Jacky about me. It's such a load of fucking bullshit!"

"Like what?"

"Just all kinds of shit... like I mess with other girls, and I slept with one of her friends. That is total fucking crap."

"So what did Jacky say?"

"She told Candy to stay out of our lives. Then she asked me if I still dig Candy cos Candy said she stole me away and crap like that."

"Sounds like a cat fight."

"I mean... hey, can I help it if all the fucking girls want a piece of me?"

"Maybe you shouldn't be going out steady right now. Just go out with them all and enjoy yourself... rather than get tied down, and then have to put up with that kinda bitchy shit."

"I dig Jacky, though. Everyone told me she just wanted me to score with her but it's not like that. I haven't scored with her yet, and we're still really cool with each other."

"You guys done anything yet?"

"Like?"

"I dunno... like has she blown you yet?"

"No. We feel each other, and she's got me jacking her with my finger. Hehehehe. Took me a long time to get my finger goin'."

"Has she asked you to go even further?"

"I think she's scared in case I say no or something. She's probably waiting for me to make a move on her."

"So what's the prob?"

"Cos I'm fucking scared. DUH!! Anyway, it's not like sex is a major in my fucking life."

"Hahahahaha! Yeah, we've had this convo before. Anyway, it's cool to just be the way you guys are. Sex just puts more pressure on the relationship."

"So are you and Steph doing it yet?"

"Hmmmm. What do you think?"

"I think you're fucking like rabbits."

"It's called making love, Winger. Steph and I are making love."

"More like making babies, yeah."

"Hahahaha!"

"You guys going OK now? I mean, like is everything cool?"

"Pretty much."

"Wicked! I dig Steph. So if you hurt her I'm gonna have to come over there and beat you up. You know that, huh?"

"Yep, and I'm shaking in my boots."

"Yeah... and you can think I'm just kiddin' until you hit the deck. Hehehehe."

"So come here and try."

"Can't right now. I've gotta go. My dad wants to use the phone."

"Cheers, buddy."

"Seeya!"

"Hey. I loveya."

"Same. Bye."

Same. Bye? Same. Bye? Was that it? Was that all? I looked at the phone resting in its cradle. A few moments ago I'd been talking to Winger. I was hearing his voice and enjoying what he had to tell me. But now I was staring at a silent phone. There was only one thing to do... write a note to Cody, and include it in my email to Gary.

Hey, Codeman. You made it so easy for friends to get close. Why, then, does it seem so very hard for me sometimes? Not just the getting close, but letting them know how I feel? When I'm with Wingnut I feel so incredibly close to him, and I wish that I could have the same relationship with him that I do with Steph, including the physical side of it.

When Winger leaves me to go home or wherever, I feel this hole inside of me and I don't understand it. Why does everything have to be so hard? When I tell Winger that I love him, I want him to understand that it's the same love that I feel for Steph and that I feel for you.

Actually, I worry sometimes about my feelings for you because you seem to be in my thoughts less and less. I remember times we shared and sometimes it's like you're there with me and other times the scene fades and I try so fucking hard to refocus it, but it disappears into a blurred picture. That scares me because I want to always remember how you feel and smell and the sound of you whispering your loving words in my ear and the feel of your warm breath against my chest.

It's almost a year ago now, Code. And already the memories are fucking disappearing. Everyone seems to think that I'm coping so fucking well. The fact is that I'm not coping at all. I used to find some sort of release in the drugs, and I miss that. Yeah, I do. I miss disappearing into that world where I could just imagine that everything is perfect and beautiful.

I put together some words and pictures for an anniversary of the day you left me. It's on the [Cody] news page. It's all so lame, though. I feel like I'm on a race track and November 3 is rushing up to meet me, and everything is too fucking fast and out of control. I don't want to get to that day.

Yeah, I've got tears in my eyes and it's cos I'm feeling so fucking sad right now. I want you to be with Steph. She still wants you. It's just a feeling I have when the two of us are making love. No, it's not a comparison thing. I think it's just the way you were with her. That Cody magic. Those softly spoken words and that soft touch. That sweet breath.

I wish it was me who had been taken that day. The world would be none the wiser about me and less people would have gotten hurt. Speak to me Cody, for fuck sake! Just give me some fucking sign that you are able to hear me. I love you and miss you so fucking much. I can see your eyes laughing now. I remember how your eyes would get bigger and start to shine when you laughed. They would go to a lighter brown and they would sparkle. And you'd get those little lines on the side and your nose would kinda crinkle.

I want your arms around me, holding me tight, and I want you to kiss me just one more time. Oh, my fuck, Cody! Why?

It was Saturday morning when I next wrote Gary, and the wind was fucking howling gale force. I'd just gotten home. Steph and I had connected last night for a pizza and a coupla drinks, but she wanted to have an early night. That left me high and dry. Well, kinda. Hahahahaha! Winger was out with Jason for the night... them and their girlfriends.

So ol' dumbass here went for drinks on his own. Got myself totally fucking shitfaced, and Bruce could hardly understand a word I was saying to him. He had his girlfriend with him and she was totally pissed off with me for interrupting their great evening. So, all pissed off, she told Bruce to take her home. After that, Bruce took me to his place where I passed out. I figured he might have been totally pissed off with me too cos I woke up later with all my clothes on. Hahahaha!

So, yeah. With the wind howling and no surf and nobody to fuck... shuddup, Gary... I'll have to do some studying. BUT, I'm gonna go and sleep for a while yet cos I've got a fucking hangover from hell. There's an axe buried deep in my forehead.

Cheers. hic! :)
Peace, Love, Respect
Your friend and the Codeman's

Steve

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G'day Steve,

Hahaha! Jeez, Daniel was about 15 when his mom put condoms under his pillow. I also remember Cody telling me that his dad found a condom in his room or wherever and gave Cody a bit of a lecture about not bonking everything in sight. Maybe it's different for parents of an only child. But I can't help thinking that parents these days would have to be pretty naive to think that kids in their late teens are not sexually active. Hmmm, I guess they are naive. It's OK for Winger to sleep over in your room but not Steph. Go figure.

About your note to Cody: You want Winger to know that you love him like you love Steph and like you love Cody. Well, both Steph and Cody have a few years on Winger. Love is a very strange thing. How much did I want Cody to love me? How much do I want you to love me? I leave that to you guys.

My advice to you is to let Wingnut know - regularly by both words and action - how much you love him and APPRECIATE him, and to allow him respond without feeling pressured. That's pretty much the way you're handling the situation, anyway. And that's the way Cody handled it. Cody's focus was always on the giving, and because of that he attracted a helluva lot of getting. :)

Your memories of Cody will fade with time. That's the way it is. That's the reason widows and widowers get married again. That's the reason Steph is falling in love with you. If we spent the rest of lives living in the past, we might as well stop the clock. Your memories of Cody will diminish but not disappear. They will settle and assume their rightful place in your personal scheme of things. Cody has left his mark on you, as he has with all of us, which means that every day people like you and me are walking, talking, living monuments to his influence and friendship. More importantly, what we've learned from Cody we pass on to others. :)

You're missing the drugs? Cos they helped you to cope? You wanna run that by me again? They helped you to cope? Hello? It's exactly the opposite. They helped you to turn your back on coping. So what did you do before the fight with Craig? Sit around watching TV and eating chocolate? No. You trained. You built up your level of fitness to cope with Craig. That fight with Craig is what life is all about. You cope by training. You cope by facing problems and dealing with them. You want me to go back to tobacco? Tobacco was my crutch for decades. Imagine the person I could have been if I'd never smoked!

Wishing you'd been the person taken on November 3 instead of Cody is a load of old codswallop. You're wallowing in self pity. Face the facts, and deal with them. Cody is speaking to you. He is giving you signs. But you're not looking in the right places. Look at Winger, look at Steph, look at Mark, look at the Ts, look at yourself, look at me. That's where Cody lives. None of us is gonna get a tap on the shoulder. Whatever lies on the 'other side' is no longer physical. We don't understand it [despite the claims of religions and their followers].

Anyway, missing Cody is cool, and being pissed off that he's dead is cool. I keep looking at the handwritten note I've got pinned to my notice board just to my left. Hi Gary - Hope you have a really cool birthday, LYT, Cody - You're an AOD. And I imagine him being in that net cafe writing that note [which he titled gnote.jpg] before scanning it and sending to me. Hey, the only reason we miss him so much is cos he was just so damn awesome.

No, you don't want Cody to kiss you just one more time cos one more time is never enough. Be glad for what he gave you. Cody loved a handful of people in real life, and you were one of them.

And yeah, I've done that self-pity trick and gone out on my own to get blotto. Many a morning I've woken wondering what the hell I'd done the previous night, or where the hell I'd been. Sometimes there was another person in my bed and I didn't have a clue who they were. Hehehehe. Jeez, I don't wanna go back to those days. No way, Jose.

So here I am, the wise old fossil who spent a great part of his life wandering around in circles. I've learned from my mistakes, Steve, and I've made a HELLUVA LOTTA MISTAKES hehehehe! Can you imagine breezing through life and not making any mistakes? What knowledge would you have accumulated at the other end? As Luke's dad says about his son, "He can split an atom but he can't boil an egg."

Doesn't sound like Candy's too thrilled about losing Winger to Jacky hehehe. Oh, the dramas of teen love. But at the time it's VERY serious! Jeez, I can remember thinking that the world had come to an end... and not just once!

Hey, if you can get through a heart attack you can get through anything. But I think pretty much the same thing can be said for getting through your teen years. :)

Your friend and the Codeman's

Gary

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