Steve is an 18 year old young man, but in many ways he's just a boy. I love him dearly for it. It brings out the dad in me. :o) MrB
Hi Gary. Wingnut was back again yesterday. I just shut up and didn't mention his friends at all. He was on an up cos he'd done well at swim training in the morning and was selected for all his age group races. Asked him if he wanted to hit a late surf sess [session].
"Can't. I'm surfing with Sean and Jas, and you don't like them - and they don't like you."
"I just want us to spend some time together in the surf, bud. But it's cool."
Wingnut responded with the kind of attitude that fucks my brain over. "Has to be [cool]. Huh?"
"Don't you think you can stop treating me like a prick now?"
"Drop the 'tude, and stop fucking trying so hard. I'm treating you the same as always."
"You're not, Wingnut," I insisted. "Ever since then [when you thought I was still using drugs]."
"Can't help that, then, cos I don't know if I'm different now [after that experience]."
"OK. So do you want to maybe sleep over here on Friday or Saturday night?"
"I'll have to check with my folks first."
"Just to hang out. Nothing else. I promise. I won't touch you, Wingnut. I fucking promise you that."
"Stop sounding so fucking desperate! That is so fucking lame!"
"It's just that I really want to spend some time with you, that's all."
"If you tried anything I'd just fuck you up anyway," he said in all seriousness.
"What happens one day when I turn around and beat the shit out of you?"
"Will you lighten up for fuck sake?"
Ever since he went home, I've been waiting for the phone call to tell me that it's OK to sleep over Friday. I get so fucking down just thinking about him slipping away. He's so independent now. He used to rely on Cody for everything. And now? Well, now he relies on nobody. I know it's just more paranoia, but I can't fucking help it. Wait and wait and wait. I'm getting tired of walking on eggshells all the time I'm around him, and apologizing for everything I say. I'm going to try it the way you suggested in your email [Gary]. The problem is that he doesn't seem to be fucking receptive to anything I say.
I had a cool email from Richie, a bud of yours. Tell him thanks when you write. Not sure if I'll get a chance. Emails are starting to stack up. All of a sudden there are a lot of people finding out about Cody's death, and wanting to know what happened. Now I've almost got to relive the whole fuckup all over again, and it tears me to fucking pieces.
Got a call from my ex last night, which was really cool. Hahahaha! I told her it's not Valentine's, but she just wanted to chat to a "friendly ear".
"What is it with you guys who think you can treat all girls like shit?" she said without being aggro.
"So what's up? He [the current boyfriend] fucking you around?"
"He's just spending more time with friends."
"Want me to come around [to your house]?"
"I wish. It would be pretty cool but he'll find out and then he'll go fucking crazy. He's so jealous."
"Hahahaha! Like you were [when I started dating Steph again]?"
"Not the same thing. I wish I could just tell him to fuck off."
"So tell him for fuck sake."
"You don't know what he's like, Steve. He gets crazy."
"But you still love him, right?"
"I thought I did, but now I think it's his looks."
"And the sex?"
"No. Everytime we have sex I think of when the two of us [you and I] were together. You knew exactly what made my hormones tick," she laughed.
"I'm being serious! You and I had such great sex, but it was more than that. We would always try new things to make it better. He [my current bf] just likes to be on top and fuck."
"Hahahahaha! Fucking hell, that is so crude."
"Yeah, well it's true."
"Dump him. I'm looking for a good looking woman to sort out my sex life."
"Maybe I'll just phone you, lover boy. Thanks for listening, Steve. I really needed a friendly ear."
"You and me both, babes. Love you lots."
So, Gary, does that sound like a buildup to another Steve getting bashed by a boyfriend or what? BRING HIM ON! Hahahaha! Seeya, Gary.
Your friend and the Codeman's
> Hi Gary. Chris was back again yesterday.
Yeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmm! I haven't written that since my last email to Cody, but you're not Cody, so you'll have to settle for G'day Steve. :)
Wingnut's getting pretty hard to fathom. He rocks around to your house, then you exchange harsh words. I'm gonna talk about Cody's technique here. If you analyze his attitude and behaviour, you can learn a lot from him. You don't have to be like him, just learn from him.
Wingnut was always the one who breezed into Cody's room. Often Code would be busy with homework or whatever, so Wingnut just laid on the bed, read a surfing mag and listened to Code's music. There was never any pressure. When Wingnut started high school, he would stick to Code and Mark like glue. After a while, he made his own friends, joined the rugby team, the cricket team, and the swim team. He became independent.
When Cody left high school, Wingnut was totally pissed off. Code got a job at the surf shop, so there was even less time for the two of them to share. Eventually, Wingnut formed his own circle of friends. That kinda pissed Cody off. He wrote and told me that he missed his little bro, but he accepted the fact that Wingnut belonged to his own age group, and that it was good for the grommet to have friends his own age.
So how far did Wingnut drift away? Not far at all. He began to miss sleeping over and sharing time with his big bro, so he drifted back. As Code said in his last email to me, the BJ thing was happening more often, and it was Wingnut who was instigating it. Wingnut had gone out and tested the world around him, like all kids do. Then he was able to compare his new world with Code's world, and figured Code's world was a pretty comfy place to be. It's rather like your girfriend testing new waters, and deciding that yours was better. :)
The bottom line is this: Wingnut is beginning to feel smothered. I think he's also disappointed in your lack of leadership. "Drop the 'tude and stop fucking trying so hard." Good advice, I think. How many other eighteen year old friends does he have? None, right? And why do you think that is? Because there was only one Code. One big bro was all he needed. But now that big bro has gone. There's a vacuum that he wants you to fill, but you're filling it with apologies and lame statements like, "Just to hang out. Nothing else. I promise. I won't touch you, Wingnut, I fucking promise that." There's no way Code would've said anything like that. That's like a masked dude walking into a bank and telling them he's not there to rob it hehehe.
I think I know what Wingnut sees in Sean and Jason. They look up to him. He's their hero. They massage his ego. But heroes need heroes too. No way Wingnut's gonna settle for a grommet hero. He wants you, but you're letting him down. There was a time when you were king of the waves, and he looked up to you. He's trying to get that mental image back, and he's pushing you as hard as he can to see which way you're gonna go. Every time you crumble, he gets pissed off with you. You're worried about him slipping away? Don't you think he's also worried about you slipping away?
When you sit around waiting for the phone to ring, and going on a downer cos it doesn't, it shows in your body language and attitude. Wingnut can pick up the vibe, no prob. The other day, when he saw you surfing, there was a glimmer of hope for him. He saw he old Steve, the one he admired so much.
So rather than ask him if he wants to hit the surf with you, tell him that you're gonna hit the surf anyway, "and I might see you down there." If he's getting too independent, show him that you can be independent too. Show some strength and leadership. Show him that you're 18 and he's 14, not the other way around. He's already got plenty of admirers. He doesn't need another one. He wants a hero. And he's not the only one. :)
You've got the looks. You've got the talent. You've got the intelligence. Now all you need is the attitude. Changing your attitude is easy. If you can think one way, you can think another. Your brain is a tool. I've never seen a hammer using the carpenter to drive a nail into a piece of wood... but it would look kinda funny. :) If your brain has been trained to think a certain way, and control your behaviour in a negative way, then retrain it. Do you think Wingnut's gonna win any races if he doesn't train in the pool?
I'm almost as frustrated as Wingnut is. I know your potential, and it pisses me off when you don't recognize it. No wonder you wanna slap the fairies. They remind you of a part of your own character. :) But don't confuse being a bit girly with weakness. Hell, I said to Lindsay one time during an argument, "Hey! You're living with a poofter, but I'm more of a man than you'll ever be!" He agreed.
If you swoon at the sight of Wingnut's bod, that's cool. He probably swoons at the sight of yours too, but he's too macho to admit it. Macho? He's had Code's dick in his mouth, as well as Sean's and Jason's. How macho is that? There's a bit of girl in all of us. It's up to us to accept it or deny it. But denying it won't make it disappear. You said you've often seen guys in pubs rubbing their bud's crotch as a joke. Yeah, right.
Here I go again. One time I made friends with a male escort. He was a stunner - Eurasian - masculine, but not overly so. We pissed on each other in the bathroom one night, but he wouldn't let me shower. He wanted to smell it in bed hehehe. Anyway, one time I invited him to join me and a bunch of guys from the radio station on a harbor cruise. It was a private launch. On board was a famous footballer - big, tough, totally macho. My Eurasian friend seemed a little nervous. Why? Cos the footballer was one of his customers hehehe. When footballers party, they can't wait to dress up in women's clothes and put on a show. They remind me of the guys you've seen in pubs rubbing their bud's crotch as a joke. Are you trying to tell me that a 100% macho guy would put his hand anywhere near another guy's cock? There's no such thing as 100% macho, but there is such a thing as self denial.
There's one thing I haven't told you, Steve. That pedestal I've got waiting for you? It's pink. :)
Am I accusing you of being girly? Nah, not at all. I like you just the way you are; parading around the place like Mr Awesome. Actually, it's interesting how your ex-girlfriend compares your sexual performances with her current boyfriend's. He lays on top and fucks. That's it. BORING! You're sensitive to her body and desires, and you can thank your feminine side for that. Her current boyfriend probably associates sensitivity with being unmanly. What a loser!
Ritchie? He'll read your mention of him in the latest chapter of Steve. It's all up to date now. And he'll be thrilled that you read his mail. You've stirred up a hornet's nest in terms of people wanting to support you. I also got an email from Tasmanian Roy this morning. I'll forward it to you when I send this.
Should you get back together with your ex? The reasons are probably a bit too convenient right now. You're in limbo and so is she. It wouldn't be right for you to lead her up the garden path, then find someone else. But being friends would be cool. Try not to commit yourself to more than you can handle. Breaking hearts is not a game.
So who is Steve? The macho dude who carves up the local waves and attracts the attention of gawkers? Or the bloke who sits in his room pouring his heart out? He's both. And that's why so many MrB readers have fallen in love with you. Everyone loves a chink in a hero's armor. They wanna know that beneath all that iron beats a loving and sensitive heart. For mine, you're the ideal combination of macho and wuss hehehe.
Cody had a feminine side, and I encouraged him to accept it right from the start of our friendship. You knew Cody well. He was fiery, fearless, tough, and independent. But he was also caring, generous, loving, and loyal. His character was made up of many facets, all of them blending perfectly to create a wonderful human being. You said in your last mail that telling Cody you were in love with him was so easy. Yes, it was. And that's cos he accepted all of the facets that made up his character. He was at peace with who he was. No, that's not quite right. He BECAME at peace with who he was after being constantly earbashed and harassed by a particular fossil. :)
Cody lived a fantastic life - not without its hills and valleys - but fantastic nevertheless. He knew love, and he taught it to us. If I were the head of the Fossil Church, I would teach love, and that love is the route to heaven. Forget all the other crap. Love's the go. Not just love between two peeps, but love period... and that includes tolerance.
Anyway, Sunshine, hold your head up high and don't let the dickheads get you down. The only power dickheads have is the power you give them. Take it away and they're powerless. It really is that simple.
Your fan and the Codeman's :)
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